It’s that simple sometimes…

I’m old fashioned so I still have Netflix DVD. I have it because there are certain movies they don’t have streaming. A good example is, “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I put this movie at the top of my queue because I obviously need to remember the “rules”. Here they are for refresher:

1. If he doesn’t ask you out. Good one, because it’s true. If he doesn’t ask you out on a date, such as next Friday at 7 p.m. he doesn’t want you.

2. If he’s not calling you, or in this day and age if he’s not texting you. This is a fact. If you ALWAYS text first, he’s just not that into you.

3. If he’s not dating you. This is taking me out to lunch or dinner, this is seeing me in real life.

4. If he’s not having sex with you (or at least trying). This one is meh. It depends on the morals and values of each individual so I take this rule with a grain of salt.

5. If he’s having sex with someone else. This would ultimately depend on if you’re in an actual relationship or not.

6. If he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. True story. Say no more. Booty calls ‘r us!

7. If he doesn’t want to marry you. Well… this one is up in the air. I didn’t want to get married because I was afraid of divorce. My ex and I were together for 6.5 years and we broke up. So every situation is different. I think next time I do want someone that wants to marry me.

8. If he’s breaking up with you. No shit? And if you break up once, do not go back.

9. If he ghosts you. Yeah… obviously I lived this life already. Learned it from Michael. Thanks guy.

10. If he’s married. I can’t do married so this would not apply to me.

There are exceptions to these rules, but those are rare. It’s more about boundaries and trying to get a healthy relationship.

My rules now are you message me within 3 days or I’m un-matching you. If you say something gross or stupid, I will un-match you. I will tell you why. If you ask to see my tits or talk about my tits and I haven’t indicated that’s what I need from you, I will un-match you. I will also tell you why first. If you match me and expect me to message you first, after 3 days I will un-match you. Let’s talk about Hinge Justin that matched me, and then invited me to begin a conversation with him? I will start a conversation all right Hinge Justin, I will refer you to a book entitled “man the fuck up already.” Read it and get back to me.

Gregg, You Earned Your Own Post

So let us talk about Gregg. I matched Gregg one day. He’s attractive, it was a match. I send Gregg a message. Tinder always suggests messages to send when you don’t send one for a minute. This one says, “Send a message to Gregg telling him your most embarrassing Tinder moment.” Umm no thanks Tinder. What I do send is, “Happy Tuesday Gregg! You ever crack up at the messages the app suggests you send?” He responds easily enough with “Well?” He tells me he met two nice girls but they ended up being stalkers. On my Tinder my job title is “Professional Traveler”. I tell him I’m a flight attendant and he says he dated one on and off for the last year and it was tough because she was gone a lot. I can understand that Gregg, I do meet myself coming and going and sometimes I don’t actually know where I am. I have caught myself saying, “We’re in Chicago right?” It is what it is. I told him I was on reserve and he knew what I meant. He then tells me, “On call is rough. It’s basically why me and my ex broke up in December. You can’t plan anything with your partner #insertsadfacehere”. At this point I’m just thinking palm to my mothereffing forehead. I can’t get a break. He tells me goodnight, I tell him goodnight. Then my roommate and I proceed to make fun of him for about 30 minutes because I cannot understand how all these men are so into their fucking feelings. I feel like the man is already mourning my loss and he hasn’t even met me. We nickname him “Crybaby Gregg”.

I waited about two days and I sent a message asking Gregg if my career choice made me a no for him. At this point I’m not into playing the games and going through any kind of anything for a stranger. I was expecting a firm no or nothing at all. I get a, “not necessarily it’s a bummer but not a deal breaker.” He agrees to meet but tells me he has plans. I give him my schedule and send him my number. At this point my number is just a fucking free for all. Why not.

Randomly I get a message from Gregg giving me HIS number despite me already giving him mine…. I wait a day, because at this point I’m not taking Gregg seriously any longer. I’m just waiting to see how it plays out.

I send Gregg a text at 6 p.m. I am awakened at 1:07 a.m. I’m just going to post it here because you know… I’m not surprised necessarily.

Thus ends the Crybaby Gregg saga. He gets his own post for being utterly ridiculous. Ridiculous. I unmatch him, screenshot the conversation so I can make fun of it with my roommates, and I go back to sleep. Bye Gregg Bye.

Just Like That…

I get two more matches on Hinge. None of them are anyone I feel interest in. Hinge has been a complete dud in that respect. I look at Bumble. Nothing, Nothing and Nothing. Then Tinder just makes me tired. I unmatch Tinder Joe (because I’m just not that into him) and Tinder Josh (because I haven’t heard from him for a few days). I leave crybaby Gregg (I will talk about him later because he earned his own post) for some unknown reason. I also leave Michael, because Michael is a reminder to always tred carefully. Tinder Josh has stopped texting but added me on Snapchat and views my Instagram. I make posts on Instagram just to fuck with him. He looks at them every single day and likes every single post. But, he can’t text me. #inserteyerollsodramaticialmostdied

I’m not deleting the apps. I’m just logging out. No dramatics. It’s been a busy month. I’m over it.

Spam Guy

Now that I have decided I want “casual fun” it seems that is remarkably harder than trying to date. These people have feelings and they are FEELING them. I swipe right on “Elan”. He’s not my usual- his photos are kind of “modelish” and he seems to be feeling himself a little too much. He’s not super manly, and I like manly. It’s a match. I send some generic message I cut and paste from some dude that messaged me. I’m just cutting and pasting at this point.

Elan tells me he’s fresh out of a LTR (that’s long term relationship y’all) and that he wants “casual fun”. The term sounds ridiculous but hey it seems like exactly what I’m looking for at this point. Tinder Michael really just burned me. I tell him I’m on the same page. I too, would like “casual fun”. Still hating the term though.

We text back and forth that day and he asks what I look like. I tell him the truth, I’m athletic and a DD. I feel that’s relevant for CF (I can’t keep saying it). He tells me that he gets most complimented on his mouth, his eyes and wati for it… his dick. Thank you so much Tinder Jesus (blasphemy).

Then he asks for my number. I text it to him. He says, Hey I’m from Tinder. I was like, “uh name please” (because you can’t be the only contender big guy). He says, “it’s Elan”. Let me start off by saying I am a Scorpio so I am investigative by nature (and former LEO field for 9 years ok). Elan’s photos, aside from being “modelish” appeared to not take place in Maryland, as he indicated, but somewhere in California. I am a seasoned traveler. My airline loves to send me to California. I recognize that shit. So, when he texts it is from an LA area code. I am cautious but also piqued by someone not into their feelings. Elan then says, “hey my phone battery is having issues can I call you from my landline.” First of all, it’s 2018 and my 69 year old mother did away with her landline 5 years ago. My 84 year old neighbor has a landline, but she is 84. He calls. My first thought is he doesn’t sound straight and he kind of sounds like he’s whispering. I let it go. We hang up after he asks to send photos. I am not sending some stranger calling me from a blocked landline any photos of my goods. I am not from Planet Stupid. I have tattoos and other things that set me apart from the rest. Let me not be perusing Pornhub one day and see myself on there. Can I get an Amen?

He asks to send photos. I send some innocent full bodies, because I’m thinking he just wants to know if I look how I say. Then I ask him for photos. He says, “what do you want to see?” I say, how about some photos of you in real time. Hey, send me something current. My guard is up at this point because he’s setting off my alarm bells. I’m looking at his texts and simultaneously looking at my Tinder. He unmatches me. I send a, “sorry i’m not sending nude/compromising photos to someone that calls me from a blocked landline.” He says, “no worries. Wouldn’t want you to. Take care.” Ok Mister Man. I wish I had the chance to mark him as spam before he knew I knew… but he got away. Self care ladies, do not just send your shit to strangers.  Fuck this guy.

#tinder #tinderspam #datingontinder #spamguy

BBQ Luncheon

I arrive and Joe is there. I’m late by 10 minutes. He is fine AF ladies. Looks just like his photo. A nice 6’2” and muscular. He gives me a hug and his body is as hard and firm as it looks. Ok Joe, let’s eat some BBQ. Let me say for a minute, I can’t eat in front of people I don’t know. So they buy me lunch, I pick at it and I take it home and devour it. He pays for my lunch like a gentleman.

We talk. He tells me I’m more beautiful in person and that I am a pleasant surprise. Let me also state for the record that I am a DD chest. In photos the boobs make me look fat, which I am not. I am athletic with giant tits. So I don’t really post a full body shot. I know that Joe is happy with my boobs and he’s happy that I look fit. I do work out.

As lunch continues I can tell that Joe is falling already. HIs eyes are too bright and he is super excited. He wants to take me for a motorcycle ride. I hear about his roommates and where he lives along with information about his children and his past career. You know what Joe knows about me? Where I live, what I do for a living and that I like football. These men do not ask questions. He really knows nothing about me at this point, but he thinks he loves me already. I see it on his face.

I can’t get Michael to man up but I have Tinder Joe looking at me like a snack. When a man’s eyes light up, you know you have him. The man was under his breath, “you look amazing. You’re better in person.” Maybe I am like a man. I need a challenge. This man has also reminded me to keep that light out of my eyes when I meet someone I like. Keep it under wraps so they don’t see I’ve been gotten. I’m learning lessons out here.

I cut things off with Tinder Joe after about an hour and a half at lunch. I feel like the man could stare into the oceans of my fake green contacts for hours. It’s time for me to go. He walks me to my car. The man is truly a gentleman. Honestly, if I could get this need to just get laid and not give a fuck out of my system and this man could get his rebound girl, there might have been a chance for us. Tinder Joe is a good guy; however I know he’s not healed yet and I don’t want to be a nice man’s rebound. That’s how I would end up getting hurt again. I have to do it differently this time somehow.

He texts me later that he likes my confidence and he wishes he could spend more time with me. That confidence you like Mister Man comes straight out of my new novel, “don’t give a FUQ”. If I gave one, you would have ridden away on your motorcycle looking for someone else.

I am now 1 in 1 million vaginas. How do I stand out from all the other greedy bitches? I literally do not believe I can actually meet someone at work. Passengers are dicks and pilots are dicks. I have no desire to be single for the rest of my life. I am too sexual for that. I know people that can forego. Not that girl. Not today.


Old School Joe

I match and get a message that he’s old fashioned and would like to meet up sooner rather than later for a drink. OK. I’m off this week and seriously I’m looking to get laid, but have learned from Tinder Matt that I have to play the game first. We message for maybe two days and he says he’s going on a motorcyle ride and can we meet for lunch? Why the fuck not.

I give him my number expecting a text. The man calls. On the phone. Someone forgot to tell the man it’s 2018 and we don’t talk on phones anymore. I know most of his story in 10 minutes. Freshly divorced by a woman that cheated on him while he did all the work. My brain heard some more stuff but I think I tuned it out yadda yadda yadda. Blah blah blah. Then we get to lunch. He makes ME pick. Again why do I always have to pick? You pick. Please someone pick the place. I’m just going to get a go to place in every city at this point. I’m going to pick a bar and a restaurant in every city. The people will know me when I come in as “the woman with many men”. I’m going for burgers, BBQ and high end vodka. If you want to see me at night, I like prime rib.

Tinder Joe is very nice and easy to talk to. We agree to lunch on Thursday. I pick BBQ. Close to me, far from him. That’s what you get.

The Day I Flipped the Script

You need some thick skin to do this online dating game. Strangers can and will hurt your feelings. At some point between a few days ago and today I decided to stop looking for love or the next relationship. It’s been too long since I’ve had sex and getting used via text etc has taken its toll. I just need to go back to my roots. The me that didn’t care. Let me juggle 10 men. Thank you.

On the other side of the proverbial coin, men do not like it when you reverse the script. When you flip it. Hey Matt, what’s your dick size? Hey John, are you a bad boy? Seriously, they flip out a little. Oh, I’m sorry Tinder Luke, you waited 2.5 days too long to text me. Guess what? Tinder Matt took your place. Seriously boys, take note. I actually have cut and pasted some of your lines into my messages (Thank you Tinder Micheal and Tinder Luke). Hinge John you don’t like when I use your own line against you? It hurts your feelings? Listen, I am no longer looking for love. I need you to have an above average dick size, because it does and always will matter. I also need you to not wait for me to tell you what to do. I need you to pull my hair a bit and put me where you want me. I spend all day of my life being dominant. I need you to man up in bed. I have a primal need for that.

I’m swiping right hard and heavy at this point. I don’t care if they match back. I’m looking for height, brown hair, all teeth and some abs. I decide to permanently share my location with my best friend so he can track my body if it goes missing.

Tinder Matt. I got Matt’s number. Matt texted me and we did the preliminary questionnaire of, “how tall are you and have you been married” yadda yadda. At this point, I’m kind of just wanting to get laid because it has been too long. I’m pretty sexual, but I also struggle with being a “good girl”. I don’t think I want a relationship anymore, but I would like to get laid. Matt comments on my busty chest (I’m a DD) and I’m ok with it because at this is where I am with dating. That gave me the leeway to ask about his dick size, which he says is above average. He proceeds to tell me about a 19 year old he was with and a yoga instructor that was insatiable. I’m not here to compare notes Matt, but I’m going to guess I know a lot more about sex than a 19 year old and I too, am insatiable. We talk about having sex and we agree to meet up. Why not? I am done playing the stupid games that lead up to the actual fucking.

The next day arrives and I end up having to fly to Boston…because that’s my job. It seems Crew Scheduling legit knows when I have plans and then they send a wrecking ball in to do away with them. ALWAYS. I tell Matt this, and he sends me a text that he finds me attractive, but he doesn’t want a FWB, he wants a girlfriend as hard as that is. I give him mad props for his honesty. I promised him free pretzels and an alocholic beverage if I ever see him on a flight (*disclaimer* which of course I will pay for because I’m not profiting from my company ahem).

Tinder Jake. We are still chatting every single day.  He still seems normal.  The meeting up thing is going to be hard because my job… and he works Monday through Friday like everyone else.  I do not, unlike everyone else.

Tinder Alfonso.  I don’t need a mom or a dad, guy.  I had to tell him I’m too busy to date.  Maybe I actually am?  I’m still trying.

So I learned from Tinder Matt that you can’t be straight forward. It doesn’t seem to work. I’m going to have to play the game y’all.  I’m learning way too many lessons I had no interest in learning from trying to date in 2018 y’all. I’m annoyed at this point.