I like to emotionally punish myself

I swiped right on someone. His name is Scott. He looks like a dad, but he’s a salt and pepper dad and honestly I haven’t got a type. He’s 6’6” and he’s retired. Maybe I need a daddy? I literally have nothing to lose with these people but time. He’s a government worker (a theme in this area). He’s 6’6”. He tells me he gets the shift life, he lived it so he can hang with it. I quickly figure out that Scott drinks quite a bit. He sends me drunk messages on Tinder (at this point I’m not giving out my number because I don’t need a graveyard of Tinder ghosts. After about two weeks, Scott realizes my life is as busy as I said it was with no bullshit attached.

I live out of a suitcase. What do people want from me? Expectations of seeing me need to be pretty low… men think they like that but they apparently do not. So many fallen off messages. I started during “summer flying” my bad.

Another one bites the dust. I unmatch you just so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

#tinderdaddy #tinder #swipedright #flightattendantlife #tinderfail #dating

Tinder Fails

Steve: He’s 37 years old ladies. He is a sperm donor and is here to help us on our journey to motherhood. He indicates his offer is very real, and very serious. Steve includes a neon photo of sperms swimming to some orosphere I can only assume is my unfertilized egg. My ovaries spasmed… with grief.

Andy: This one kind of made me sad, but he put it out there. He is 43 years old and is a maid at… “self employed”. Man doesn’t have a job. He is in a very constrictive latex maid outfix that goes from head to toe. The platforms he is wearing made my feet break out in blisters in empathy. The black latex skirt he is wearing would indicate he can walk in two inch steps the entire time he is “cleaning’. I don’t have that kind of time Andy. In addition to cleaning my home, he wants to provide me with an interesting and relaxing day where I can put my feet up. Andy, again, I haven’t got that kind of time.

#tinder #tinderfails #shouldigiveup #datingonline #datingat40

Insert the biggest loudest sigh here…

I did hear from Michael that night. I heard from him. We chatted. I went to bed. I texted him a funny meme the next day and said, “hey what’s up.” I heard nothing. That was a few days ago. Someone explain to me what happened here. You swiped right again. So now what? Are you upset because I said you are confusing (because hey at this point you own the championship belt for that shit)? I can’t guess and/or speculate anymore. This just went weird. I can’t do weird. I’m busy. I have things to do.

#doubleghosted #tindersucks #datingat40 #tinder #tinderconfused #onlinedating

Instead of AOL’s “you’ve got mail”…

Tinder sends me a notification that I have a new match. Since I swiped left on an entire region of people, I know who the match is. Sure enough, it’s Michael. At this point I can only think how fecking weird my life has gotten. Things were not like this when I met and dated people in person. I’m going to type the entire conversation out for y’all and let you decide how strange it all is:

Me: Oh look, we matched.

Michael: I had to swipe left a lot until I finally found you again.

Me: You have my cell number? I kind of figured you ghosted me.

Michael: No I didn’t ghost you, I’ve been busy.

At this point I have to pause and think, hey I never asked this man what he was looking for. His behaviors prior to the ghosting indicated that he was looking for a relationship. Let us continue. This conversation took place over a period of three days.

Me: I should ask the question I should have asked to start… what are you looking for?

Michael: LMAO

Me: Seriously

Michael: Serious relationships

Me: Hmmm have you met someone then?

Michael: You. I just laid down to nap. I’ll message you when I get up.

Me: You’re confusing lol. Sleep well. How about texting?

That’s the end of the messaging. W… T…F. for real. We shall see if he texts me like a person or not.


#wtftinder #tinderghost #raisedaghostfromthedead #swipingleft #tinder

Swimming in a pool of nonsense

After being ghosted I deleted the entire app. Just bloop and delete. It unmatched me from everyone. Then I got bored, or maybe I got drunk. Who knows which, but I reinstalled that shit. Why not? Can’t take the one hit personally right?

Joe. Joe is 37 years old and he works for the federal government. He, of course, has never been married and has no kids. What Joe is looking for is a fun outlet with an intelligent sexy woman, who would enjoy tying up and using a man for her pleasure. He suggests some fun things such as having her toes sucked, sitting on his face, using him to take out aggression or having him as her butler. He was open to ideas. He almost had me at the butler suggestion, but I feel like he wouldn’t really be vacuuming and cleaning my toilets. It’s a thought. I mean I could maybe yell at you Joe while you cleaned my toilet, but it might only be half-hearted yelling being as I tend to lean more towards submissive in the bedroom. I’m a powerhouse by day, but I can’t be that way all the time. #swipedleft

Nick. Nick is 34. He is a gym owner, he loves sports and he loves to travel. This sounds wonderful right ladies? Well Nick’s photo is of him in a pink thong leotard and black tights ass towards the camera. He has the biggest, most beautiful smile on his face. I hate wearing tights Nick, so if they give you that much pleasure I hope no one ever takes that joy away from you. Nick’s ass is also better than mine will ever be. You do you boo, but I won’t be doing you. #swipedleft

Jay. Jay is 37. He’s a nice guy in DC feeling horny tonight. He’s open and honest. Women apparently tell him that he’s handsome but he tries not to let it go to his head (his face isn’t in the photo FYI). Someone told Jay he might be a sapiosexual but he enjoys the primal grunts and moans of passionate lovemaking. So much wrong here, I’m not sure where to start. Just tonight? There is a whole diatribe following him just being horny tonight. What if I come across your profile mid-afternoon? Should I swipe left then? Does he hide and unhide his profile if he’s not feeling horny? Also, if I have to google anything about your sexuality you are clearly not for me. #swipedleft

Swipe left, swipe left, left swipe…wait a minute. Da fuq? It’s Michael. I have somehow come across Michael’s profile again. Fuck it. I swiped right. Just to see what will unfold.

#swipingleft #lifeafterghosting #tinder #tinderfails #googlingsexuality

There is a lesson here somewhere

Y’all probably think my hiatus is because I’ve been blissfully tied up to Michael’s bedpost somewhere. Gawd I wish. I learned a valuable lesson in this 2018 dating world.

Let me back up. I unfortunately met Michael at the beginning of summer flying. Not just any summer flying, but the worst summer flying I have experienced. My company apparently ran out of flight attendants this summer. What does that mean for me? Long days, no days, no sleep, no eat, no life. I’m still splitting my time between my base and Florida, because my dogs still live there and they are my life.

Michael and I had a few dates planned and Crew Scheduling ruined it by calling me at 230 AM to tell me I was not going on a date, but I was going to San Francisco instead. That’s how my life is. Scheduling owns my body, soul and future unborn children.

Finally! We get a date set up. He wants me to pick the place to eat in the town he lives in that I’ve never been to. I’m mildly irritated by this, but whatever. Take it in stride. I’m meeting up with him because he has to work that night so this date cuts into his sleep time. I end up just choosing a very generic Applebees, knowing that I probably can’t eat a single thing on the menu. Did I mention I have Celiac? Yeah, so an added dating bonus. I can’t eat in front of my dates without sounding like a crazy person. I’m “allergy girl”.

We met up at the Applebees and I found the one thing on the menu I could eat. It was kind of awkward because I am socially awkward in general, but the tension was really because of the sexual tension. He of course invites me to his house. I haven’t really thought about exactly what I want at this point… I should have, but I haven’t. I do want the sex of course, but also I have jumped into sex so many times so maybe I shouldn’t? I can rationalize anything, or de-rationalize it.

We go to his house. My intentions are to make out, nothing more, nothing less. The making out for sure happens. Somehow I end up with no shirt on, how the fuck did this snake charmer get my shirt off? I went in there with serious convictions of staying clothed dammit.

I would like to take this moment to let everyone know that my vanity knows no bounds. I am always shaved, waxed, lotioned, and groomed. I do not own a white bra, or a pair of grandma underwear unless shark week is here. While we were making out, Michael says, “oh you’re wearing a beautiful bra”. Listen here motherfucker that’s my normal state of being. Is that a thing even? Making out in ugly bras and underwear? I am vain. It’s how we roll. The making out was intense. So intense.

While he was sleeping I was texting friends, perusing instagram. I ended up texting my roomie, because for some reason I was self-conscious about getting up in this person’s house to pee while he was sleeping. It was my first time there and I didn’t want to wake him up. Weird, I know but it is an issue. I have “restroom stage fright”. Laugh if you will, it’s total nonsense. My roomie had the same problem when she first met her boyfriend and I talked her down from the bathroom ledge. So I end up going to the bathroom and while I’m there I put clothes back on that had somehow fallen off and check my overall state of being. I try not to pry into the man’s bathroom, we aren’t there yet. I go and lay back down next to him.

I can tell this story now, because it was a colossal typo, but my roommate sent me a text that said, “You should get up and just go. When I was at Brian’s (boyfriend) I peed myself a little waiting”. WHATTTTT???? So I started laughing so hard that I woke Michael up. Another thing about Scorpios, we don’t tell people’s stories if we feel the story is too personal or close. If I feel like I was really entrusted with a secret, I’m going to take that secret to my grave. If it’s your secret, you can rest assured it’s coming with me to my death. So Michael asks me what I’m laughing about, and my response was, “this is my roommate’s story to tell. I’m afraid if you ever meet her, this is the only thing you will think about.” I see something on his face, a shadow of something. Like he doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m laughing at him. A paranoid thought to have, but we don’t know someones’ past or someone’s baggage. We all have it.

I saw something on his face and in my head I thought, “for whatever reason, I will never hear from this motherfucker again.”

It’s been two weeks and I have not heard from that motherfucker again. Not a hello or goodbye.

My first lesson in ghosting. I can also say, that no matter what the reason, I will never ever make anyone feel this way. Ever. It’s a shit thing to do, the ghosting, especially after you’ve met in person.

So no, not tied to a bedpost, just disowned and confused. I have replayed the day in my head and my one and only conclusion is, he thought I was laughing at him. Maybe he did me a favor. Still sucks.

#gotghosted #outofnowhere #noreason #veryconfused #itsucks #ghostingisfuckedup

The Blip

After the kiss to end all kisses, he actually checks to make sure I made it home. That kiss fucked my world up for a minute because we definitely had that chemistry thing. That spark. At this point it’s possibly just lust (well probably) because that’s how things go. I haven’t had sex for so long maybe I need to step back and think about this one. The man just put me in heat though. I believe firmly in pheromones. I have no reason to believe he won’t text me the next day. After all, I’m not yet in tune with dating in the digital age.  Give me time, and I’m sure I will get there.  I’ve always met my people in person through friends or work. He does shoot me a text the next day acknowledging that our kiss was hot and simultaneously remembering my schedule. I find that sweet, because my ex barely remembered anything I said or did in the past year.

Because he put me in heat, every man in the airport is looking at me. I had to fend off my 27 year old coworker (figures I would work with the only straight male in my base that was almost two decades my junior ) after that encounter. The coworker wanted in my panties without a doubt. I totally blame Michael for these turn of events. I mean I’m not bad for my age, but still. Pheromones are real y’all.  Fending off someone 20 years your junior and countless males in the airport and on the aircraft are one thing… c’mon.

While I was on my layover there was a mass shooter. It ended up being a female that was shooting from a rooftop during a marathon, with no injuries but still scary.  The streets were blocked off and the marathon was paused.  We ended up getting locked in the cafe we were in. I was indeed in the location at the time, but Michael texted me asking if I was OK. How sweet was that? He remembered where I was and actually cared that I was ok. So he could make out and he seemed to be kind as well. What are the odds?

I returned from my trip and our schedules became a thing again. The man is only off Friday-Sunday…. I will never see those days off. His daughter’s schedule is also pretty conflicting.  His ex-wife apparently isn’t willing to take the daughter to her therapy appointment anymore? #redflag

For me, it’s summer flying. Summer 2018 flying is proving to be a real MotherEffer (pardon my already crappy language). How am I going to work this out? Drive my car through where he works at 100 MPH so he can arrest me?

A few days later, we still haven’t aligned our schedules and our first “blip” occurs. A blip to me is when a man suddenly changes his pattern. So far Michael’s response time is 2-3 minutes max on a text. I know he’s into a serious relationship, but I cannot lie, I’m afraid of one. I have been fucked over by men almost my whole life. My “picker” is broken. They all have something broken. So when a man changes his behavior or routine, my guard automatically goes up. Maybe this one is my fault? He sends a meme with Stewie from “Family Guy”, Stewie is naked on the bed and it says, “When I get married, ima be home waiting for babe like…” I flipped out a little inside. Married? Me? Fuck! So all I could say was, “oh stewie” because I admittedly freaked out. Too much too soon. The blip is Michael doesn’t respond at all… and well into the evening of the next day I still hear nothing. Maybe my lack of enthusiasm to his meme has him thinking we aren’t on the same page. The first blip has occurred… We shall see.

#tinderrelationship #tinder #datingat40 #toosoon #pheramones

Did he pull my hair?

Thank goodness Michael looks just like his photos. Praise be. He also has teeth. So, the man never smiled in any of his photos. He just kind of used his sexy closed mouth look of, “I’m a man I don’t have to fucking smile”. My greatest fear meeting this man was he had jacked up teeth. I am shallow. I do not care and openly admit it. My vanity is the reason my skin looks so good at my age. Dating is a shallow process in general yes? He has nice teeth. Instantaneous relief.

I am so nervous. It’s just a man. I need to relax. It’s the first man I’ve met from the internet. I’m sweating. Why did god make my body to sweat so much? Other women don’t sweat like this. Fuck me.

He is a big man as far as working out goes. His shoulders are as wide as a pick-up truck. His biceps are bigger than my thighs, and that is saying something. Definitely sexy, but also a little dorky which makes him super sweet. He’s nervous too I think, but playing it off much better.

Michael shows me around the business and tells me what they do (I don’t remember?). He asks me how many people I’ve met on Tinder and I tell him he is the very first one. I tell him I’m shy (everyone that knows me stop laughing because you probably met me at work, where I am not shy.)

We sit down. I feel quasi comfortable because we have been texting for about a month at this point and have spoken on the phone a few times. I’m nervous because I’m an awkward person.

Michael tells me he has been divorced for 2 years, they were together for 9. He says he “just couldn’t take it anymore” and that he would have worked it out for his daughter but the ex was unwilling. #redflag I told him I had been broken up with my ex for 1.5 years (not true but also true). He asked me the same question when I said we were together for 6 years as to why we never married. I was anti-marriage and so was my ex. We see how well that worked. He tells me that he was dating a nurse but he broke up with her because she told him if he ever shaved his beard she would leave him…. #redflag. He said there were just some things he would not put up with. #redflag (maybe she was joking?) I’m sensing some baggage, but I’m letting it slide because I like him still and I have my own baggage. He seems upfront and honest about everything and that I can definitely appreciate.

Michael does proceed to tell me a story about how his ex wife created a fake Instagram account and started following his nurse ex. #redflag She then apparently called the nurse and told her that she (the ex) and Michael were still sleeping together. #redflag. He made the comment that the ex didn’t want him, but apparently didn’t want him to be happy. Ummm #REDFLAG. Maybe his rollaboard won’t fit in the overhead compartment?

The rest of the conversation goes well. I feel fairly comfortable around him. Like I said, his dorkiness puts me at ease but his testosterone keeps me interested. I am such a dude sometimes. Like stop thinking with my vagina; I cannot.

His shift is over, we managed to hang out comfortably for two hours or so. He gathers his lunch and we start to walk outside. I walk over to his car.

I think I was standing close to him? He pulls me in and starts kissing me. Am I kissing him? He is so broad I have no idea what to do with my hands. I am uncertain my arms will fit around him, so I just kind of rest them on his chest. He is a good kisser. Did he just pull my hair? Did that hair pull just make me moan out loud? Not everyone knows how to do that right. I’m so fucked now. It was the hair pull. I. Am. So. Fucked. I was not ready for that man to kiss me like that. No one has kissed me with any kind of passion for at least 3 years. I was not ready at all. That was by far the sexiest kiss I have had for a very long time. My ex was good, but not that fucking good. I could barely walk to my car. I drove home a sopping wet mess. I masturbated like four times that night. Any dignity I had escaped when I let out the moan. He knows he has me.

#sofucked #myvaginaisnowincharge #whoknew #tinderok #dignitygone

First Date Panda Shirt

So I finally get a break in my unstable schedule.  Michael has an off duty assignment watching a building so we agree to maybe meet. I’m not really stressing it because I wanted to go to the pool and we had something similar come up once where his daughter’s soccer game interfered. I’m also not getting my hopes up because Scheduling still hasn’t given me a trip, and if it has a check-in before noon I’m going to bed. Just how it is.

Uhhh…so no trip until 2 p.m. He calls me. He wants to meet me. We can’t text forever. I’m in a bit of a panic now.

I have no dating clothes. I have a black shirt that shows my cleavage. It has a tiny panda on it. Maybe not tiny… maybe more average in size with the panda.  First adult dating meet and greet in a panda shirt? I sent SOS to my best friends and heard nothing. Granted, I only gave them the 20 minutes notice that I had. PANICKING. A fucking panda shirt? The panda is small, but regardless it’s still a panda. Jeans. I should just wear jeans. I can’t sweat this anymore. If this man can’t handle my panda obsession then he isn’t for me. I love pandas so much. Everyone knows it.

My roommates were gone. No one is answering the phone. I need to drive the 30 minute drive. I thought what the hell. I’m wearing it. So off I went.

My best friend, S, did call. She thought I was dying (I mean maybe texting “SOS 911” was a little dramatic but it’s how I felt). Nah girl, just a dating disaster. My best friend, R, also pulled through. He talked me down all the way to the place I was going which is about 40 minutes, but I somehow made it in 30ish. He took the man’s name down and I shared my location on my Iphone. Hopefully if he killed me R would find me and vindicate my untimely death.  I texted Michael that I was there and he told me to go to the back and park by his car.

As a side note, I sweat a lot normally because I’m always hot. I have black leather interior. I am so nervous but I’m trying to be cool. I mean I’m in jeans and a fucking panda shirt. Just show that you’re cool enough to not give a fuck. He’s walking down the stairs he says… and I really need to stop sweating. Like for real. He opens the door… and

#cliffhanger #isheashotashisphotos #firsttindermeet #notadate #firstmeet #tinder

Steadily plodding

I admittedly like talking to the guy. I’m a picky bitch and it’s hard to even kind of impress me. I know I’m going to hear from him every day and he is very open about his life and what he’s doing. Most of my exes were secretive if you break it down. I’m secretive kind of, so maybe that’s why I got stuck in the secrecy pattern. I don’t hide things from people but if someone asks about my day and I stopped at Wal-Mart, I’m probably going to leave that out. I feel like that’s my personal time and isn’t necessarily something I need to share. If someone asks if I went to Walmart, then I will tell them. Otherwise that piece of my day isn’t yours to have. It might be a Scorpio thing?

I’m nosy so I like to know everything. The person who tells nothing…likes to know everything. I have Facebook stalked of course. I figured out his last name from a selfie he sent in his uniform. #insertinnocentshrughere. I see his ex wife and his daughter. Beautiful daughter. Ex wife is meh. But she mothered his children so there is something he loved #insertanothershrug. A few selfies from a few years ago he seems a little dorky but the man has kind eyes. Like he’s a muscle guy but he has a heart? Hopefully.

I’m not sure how this man is going to have time for a woman. My schedule aside he doesn’t seem to get much rest. He gets up early to take his daughter to soccer, and to the pool and to cheer leading. He takes her out for ice cream after her games. It’s a great sign he is a good dad; however I’m seeing no time for him to spare. I’m not in a hurry right now… slow motion for me.

All bullshit aside we need to meet. Let’s get my stupid schedule and his stupid schedule to match up just once.

#needtomeet #internetmeetup #tindering101 #madstalking