Insert the biggest loudest sigh here…

I did hear from Michael that night. I heard from him. We chatted. I went to bed. I texted him a funny meme the next day and said, “hey what’s up.” I heard nothing. That was a few days ago. Someone explain to me what happened here. You swiped right again. So now what? Are you upset because I said you are confusing (because hey at this point you own the championship belt for that shit)? I can’t guess and/or speculate anymore. This just went weird. I can’t do weird. I’m busy. I have things to do.

#doubleghosted #tindersucks #datingat40 #tinder #tinderconfused #onlinedating

Instead of AOL’s “you’ve got mail”…

Tinder sends me a notification that I have a new match. Since I swiped left on an entire region of people, I know who the match is. Sure enough, it’s Michael. At this point I can only think how fecking weird my life has gotten. Things were not like this when I met and dated people in person. I’m going to type the entire conversation out for y’all and let you decide how strange it all is:

Me: Oh look, we matched.

Michael: I had to swipe left a lot until I finally found you again.

Me: You have my cell number? I kind of figured you ghosted me.

Michael: No I didn’t ghost you, I’ve been busy.

At this point I have to pause and think, hey I never asked this man what he was looking for. His behaviors prior to the ghosting indicated that he was looking for a relationship. Let us continue. This conversation took place over a period of three days.

Me: I should ask the question I should have asked to start… what are you looking for?

Michael: LMAO

Me: Seriously

Michael: Serious relationships

Me: Hmmm have you met someone then?

Michael: You. I just laid down to nap. I’ll message you when I get up.

Me: You’re confusing lol. Sleep well. How about texting?

That’s the end of the messaging. W… T…F. for real. We shall see if he texts me like a person or not.


#wtftinder #tinderghost #raisedaghostfromthedead #swipingleft #tinder

First Date Panda Shirt

So I finally get a break in my unstable schedule.  Michael has an off duty assignment watching a building so we agree to maybe meet. I’m not really stressing it because I wanted to go to the pool and we had something similar come up once where his daughter’s soccer game interfered. I’m also not getting my hopes up because Scheduling still hasn’t given me a trip, and if it has a check-in before noon I’m going to bed. Just how it is.

Uhhh…so no trip until 2 p.m. He calls me. He wants to meet me. We can’t text forever. I’m in a bit of a panic now.

I have no dating clothes. I have a black shirt that shows my cleavage. It has a tiny panda on it. Maybe not tiny… maybe more average in size with the panda.  First adult dating meet and greet in a panda shirt? I sent SOS to my best friends and heard nothing. Granted, I only gave them the 20 minutes notice that I had. PANICKING. A fucking panda shirt? The panda is small, but regardless it’s still a panda. Jeans. I should just wear jeans. I can’t sweat this anymore. If this man can’t handle my panda obsession then he isn’t for me. I love pandas so much. Everyone knows it.

My roommates were gone. No one is answering the phone. I need to drive the 30 minute drive. I thought what the hell. I’m wearing it. So off I went.

My best friend, S, did call. She thought I was dying (I mean maybe texting “SOS 911” was a little dramatic but it’s how I felt). Nah girl, just a dating disaster. My best friend, R, also pulled through. He talked me down all the way to the place I was going which is about 40 minutes, but I somehow made it in 30ish. He took the man’s name down and I shared my location on my Iphone. Hopefully if he killed me R would find me and vindicate my untimely death.  I texted Michael that I was there and he told me to go to the back and park by his car.

As a side note, I sweat a lot normally because I’m always hot. I have black leather interior. I am so nervous but I’m trying to be cool. I mean I’m in jeans and a fucking panda shirt. Just show that you’re cool enough to not give a fuck. He’s walking down the stairs he says… and I really need to stop sweating. Like for real. He opens the door… and

#cliffhanger #isheashotashisphotos #firsttindermeet #notadate #firstmeet #tinder

Tinder is suspended… for now

I’ve more or less stopped looking at Tinder. I can’t juggle 2 men at once. I don’t want to. It’s too much back and forth and trying to remember who does what. Ask my friends, my short term memory is total shit. I do look forward to hearing from this man though. I also am confident that he will text me every day. I am not anxious about not hearing from him, which is a nice change.

We have been texting for about a week. My schedule sucks (as I mentioned) and it’s even worse in the summer. If I’m the last person that texts, he knows it’s his turn to text next. I hear from him every day. Not too much, not too little. This is Goldilocks’s “just right”. I don’t feel pressure to meet the guy. He hasn’t asked for photos of my feet… or my tits. He seems cool with my schedule (although there are small references to me being gone I choose to ignore). An example would be, “the guys you have dated must really miss you.” Yeah, I don’t think my ex was capable of missing anyone but his mom his best friend. I haven’t dated since I started this job. Well, except the man that broke up with me over the phone after 6.5 years BECAUSE of this job. You know, small stuff.

We begin the text flirting… It’s not offensive but it’s definitely there. More like how tall are you and I see you have a tattoo on your chest. I do catch Michael saying things like “hey babe” which I think are kind of familiar terms, but hey I haven’t dated for over a decade. The Internet has changed life so much. #callingmebabelaready #newtoonlinedating #niceguyornah #tinderfuckitall

Did Michael Man Up?

I wake up the next day and Michael has actually initiated a message. It’s a simple “Hey what’s up”. Sometimes I worry if a message is too clever that the man is trying too hard or hiding something.  I want a simple man honestly.  I respond with something in kind. The conversation flows. He actually seems nice. He’s not asking for photos of my tits or being inappropriate. After a couple of days exchange, I give the man my number. Why not? He didn’t pressure me for it. I’m invested in this thing at this point, at least on a curiosity level. This man is interesting. He tells me he’s a cop. I used to be in Law Enforcement. If I’m going to meet someone from the Internet then let it be an LEO. I could still end up in a body bag, but at least it wouldn’t be a botched job.

Michael converses with me like a human. He remembers my weird schedule and things I’ve said before. He asks me questions. He seems interested without being freakishly interested. I try hard to explain my life. I’m a flight attendant on reserve. I have 10 days off a month, but I’m on 24 hour call the other days, but I never know where I might be. These people can call me at 2 am and I have to be at my airport by 5 am. There is also “the list”. Dependent on my position on the list I could get called but maybe not. See? I get tired just typing this shit out. I’m confusing myself over here and I halfway know what I’m talking about. It took me a year to even know what I’m trying to tell this man to figure out in a few days. I figure since he does shift work (midnights no less) he can somewhat comprehend how hard it is to schedule things? He has Friday-Sundays off. I may never see a weekend off for the next 3-4 years. Then I have, I’m still kind of commuting to Florida but… does he need to know that?

Internet dating I think you have to establish boundaries? I don’t want a one night stand; he doesn’t want a one night stand. We send selfies to verify the other person is real. He is open about his life and where he is and what he’s doing. He has a daughter. I have no idea how to deal with that, but we just started so I can’t even think that far ahead. Let’s face it, my age group is going to be full of children. I will have to figure it out. I do notice he uses a SnapChat filter when he takes some of his photos. I kind of like my men manly, but we overlook things right ladies? I’m trying to be more open and less judgy. I’m a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.

#tindertoreallife #allthemessages #figuringoutdating #internetdating #establishingboundaries #tinder

Tinder Profile Fails…

So this is getting depressing. I literally just get on to make fun of people. Here are some examples:

Dave- Dave is self-employed y’all #notemployed. Dave’s profile photo is a faraway, albeit blurry shot of him in his shorty boxer briefs and his black cowboy hat. Dave does have an impressive set of abs, but I can’t see Dave’s face… or if you’re going to post a rodeo photo even the size of Dave’s dick would be nice. Obviously Dave wants something discreet with no strings attached… He then lists his interests. Listen here, Dave, if you want no strings attached then why are we supposed to care about your interests? We would just be here for the dick? I shouldn’t have to even be funny at this point. My best friend’s response when I show her the photo, “Someone needs to call Dave. Call him collect and tell him to knock it the fuck off.” There you have it Dave.  Knock it the fuck off.

Jeff- Jeff’s profile photo is a well placed shot of his dick. It’s from an overhead angle, so already it’s going to be all about the angles. Again, we cannot see Jeff’s face. Jeff what if you have a nice dick but I can’t stand to look at your face? One thing I do like about Jeff is this line, “dominant, you know what it means so stop pretending.” Yes Jeff, I know exactly what that means. Reference my first post. Again he talks about his intelligence. Pick one guys. You’re tying me to the bed post or talking to me?

I need another break until… is that a normal person? Hmmm We shall call him “Michael”. Nice eyes, nice face, great mouth (god his mouth says he can do all things), and all his clothes are on for all 3 of his photos. The man is built like a shit brick house. He’s 16 miles away. He says nothing in his profile, but I also say nothing in mine. I like it! So nervous. I think I will just leave his photo up and just give myself a day to see if I’m ready. Fuck it, I’m just going to swipe right. Oh shit y’all we have a match! I’m going to make him man up and message first. Right now this bitch is tired from it all and it’s past my bedtime.

…to be continued.

#tinderfails #yourereallyunemployed #dickpics

Boredom Swiping

I can do this. Just upload the app again and just do this thing. People are doing it everywhere. Every flight attendant I work with has a husband or a boyfriend. They have people who put up with this lifestyle. So many of them met on Tinder. I should have less emotions about it. Just do it.

Y’all I have swiped left on half of DC and half of Maryland. Sometimes I swipe left so fast I don’t even know what or who I saw. Who skips entire regions and cities? This girl right here.

My thought process:

“eww something about his eyes” or “sunglasses, I can’t even see your eyes.”

“this one has a small dick”*note i”m a magical dick finder.  I don’t know what it is.  I find the big dick.  It’s out there.  It has a look in its eye and a certain way it stands.  It’s going to pull your hair and make you call it “daddy”.   It might make you cry at the end with crazy but It will put his name on your vagina for life. I think there is a term and it’s called BDE which stands for “Big Dick Energy”. Its real and I am a tuning fork for it. Going dick shopping is hard when you had a good one for the last two decades. I care about the personality attached, but lets face it,I can’t go back to average.

And again with “who puts their kid out there on the internet”

“he put a photo of a dog on here as his first photo to make me dig deeper. I’m lazy” swiping left. But, I do love dogs. Eh. Swiping left.

Swiping left is so easy. Because if I swipe right chances are he swiped right too. I don’t want to brag. Something tells me if I swipe right, I will get a match. I think men are less discerning. It’s, “I have a dick, she has a vagina”. Right swipe. “Boobs”. Right swipe. Women are going to over think the entire process. If his stripes on his shirt are vertical, I don’t think he’s truly in tune with his life, because you need to be in tune so obviously you would have horizontal stripes. You’re chill with your life. NO real rationale here folks. This is my brain on Tinder and right now it’s swiping left hardcore.

#swipingleft #swipedrightonce #scaredtodate #FML #tinderscaresme

Day 1

I realistically just downloaded the thing (Tinder). Swiped left twice and then had the whole, “am I really ready for this” conversation with myself. So much for hitting the ground running. I hit the ground and stalled like a 1992 Ford Fiesta. I put my phone away and did something trivial. Then I went to work for a few days. Being a flight attendant my thoughts are I can’t be swiping on Tinder while I am away from home base. How much work would it be to meet a man that was in California or even Texas when I was all the way on the East Coast? I guessed maybe someone 200 miles away might work. Who was I kidding? I was on 24 hour ready reserve, which in the airline industry means you’re not going to have a boyfriend honey. You are married to your aircraft and whatever crew you get to fly with that day or the next 4 days. So perhaps I could get back to this dating app when I had less to do. Maybe I wasn’t ready at all. I can barely write a cover letter for an employer touting my attributes, how am I going to write a catchy one liner?  Sigh… lemme put this shit down.

So it begins

At 43, I suddenly found myself in Singletown: Population me. Wah wah…

I will avoid the sordid details and just say I haven’t been single in about 15 years. I existed in domestic bliss pre-Tinder and before online dating was a thing. My last relationship was over before it ended, so I will just hit the ground running. I have single friends so I’m familiar with “swiping right” and “ghosting”. I’m a monogamous kind of girl so the radical fucking for one night isn’t for me. How to wade through it all and come out on top?

I’m picky in real life. I can’t imagine whether dating on Tinder, or Bumble or Hinge is going to exacerbate that issue. I imagine it will. Swiping right and seeing people’s photos without them knowing is like a sneak peek into someone’s private life.

I decided my first attempt at dating will be Tinder. I’m a flight attendant, so I have spoken to many who found their significant other on Tinder. It seems like a good starting point. I don’t have to create that daunting one liner that will make people pick me. I mean I could write something, but I’m not going to. I just have to show my face (that’s the easy part). Let the swiping begin…