You need some thick skin to do this online dating game. Strangers can and will hurt your feelings. At some point between a few days ago and today I decided to stop looking for love or the next relationship. It’s been too long since I’ve had sex and getting used via text etc has taken its toll. I just need to go back to my roots. The me that didn’t care. Let me juggle 10 men. Thank you.
On the other side of the proverbial coin, men do not like it when you reverse the script. When you flip it. Hey Matt, what’s your dick size? Hey John, are you a bad boy? Seriously, they flip out a little. Oh, I’m sorry Tinder Luke, you waited 2.5 days too long to text me. Guess what? Tinder Matt took your place. Seriously boys, take note. I actually have cut and pasted some of your lines into my messages (Thank you Tinder Micheal and Tinder Luke). Hinge John you don’t like when I use your own line against you? It hurts your feelings? Listen, I am no longer looking for love. I need you to have an above average dick size, because it does and always will matter. I also need you to not wait for me to tell you what to do. I need you to pull my hair a bit and put me where you want me. I spend all day of my life being dominant. I need you to man up in bed. I have a primal need for that.
I’m swiping right hard and heavy at this point. I don’t care if they match back. I’m looking for height, brown hair, all teeth and some abs. I decide to permanently share my location with my best friend so he can track my body if it goes missing.
Tinder Matt. I got Matt’s number. Matt texted me and we did the preliminary questionnaire of, “how tall are you and have you been married” yadda yadda. At this point, I’m kind of just wanting to get laid because it has been too long. I’m pretty sexual, but I also struggle with being a “good girl”. I don’t think I want a relationship anymore, but I would like to get laid. Matt comments on my busty chest (I’m a DD) and I’m ok with it because at this is where I am with dating. That gave me the leeway to ask about his dick size, which he says is above average. He proceeds to tell me about a 19 year old he was with and a yoga instructor that was insatiable. I’m not here to compare notes Matt, but I’m going to guess I know a lot more about sex than a 19 year old and I too, am insatiable. We talk about having sex and we agree to meet up. Why not? I am done playing the stupid games that lead up to the actual fucking.
The next day arrives and I end up having to fly to Boston…because that’s my job. It seems Crew Scheduling legit knows when I have plans and then they send a wrecking ball in to do away with them. ALWAYS. I tell Matt this, and he sends me a text that he finds me attractive, but he doesn’t want a FWB, he wants a girlfriend as hard as that is. I give him mad props for his honesty. I promised him free pretzels and an alocholic beverage if I ever see him on a flight (*disclaimer* which of course I will pay for because I’m not profiting from my company ahem).
Tinder Jake. We are still chatting every single day. He still seems normal. The meeting up thing is going to be hard because my job… and he works Monday through Friday like everyone else. I do not, unlike everyone else.
Tinder Alfonso. I don’t need a mom or a dad, guy. I had to tell him I’m too busy to date. Maybe I actually am? I’m still trying.
So I learned from Tinder Matt that you can’t be straight forward. It doesn’t seem to work. I’m going to have to play the game y’all. I’m learning way too many lessons I had no interest in learning from trying to date in 2018 y’all. I’m annoyed at this point.
Swiping left... Almost always 