Old School Joe

I match and get a message that he’s old fashioned and would like to meet up sooner rather than later for a drink. OK. I’m off this week and seriously I’m looking to get laid, but have learned from Tinder Matt that I have to play the game first. We message for maybe two days and he says he’s going on a motorcyle ride and can we meet for lunch? Why the fuck not.

I give him my number expecting a text. The man calls. On the phone. Someone forgot to tell the man it’s 2018 and we don’t talk on phones anymore. I know most of his story in 10 minutes. Freshly divorced by a woman that cheated on him while he did all the work. My brain heard some more stuff but I think I tuned it out yadda yadda yadda. Blah blah blah. Then we get to lunch. He makes ME pick. Again why do I always have to pick? You pick. Please someone pick the place. I’m just going to get a go to place in every city at this point. I’m going to pick a bar and a restaurant in every city. The people will know me when I come in as “the woman with many men”. I’m going for burgers, BBQ and high end vodka. If you want to see me at night, I like prime rib.

Tinder Joe is very nice and easy to talk to. We agree to lunch on Thursday. I pick BBQ. Close to me, far from him. That’s what you get.

The Day I Flipped the Script

You need some thick skin to do this online dating game. Strangers can and will hurt your feelings. At some point between a few days ago and today I decided to stop looking for love or the next relationship. It’s been too long since I’ve had sex and getting used via text etc has taken its toll. I just need to go back to my roots. The me that didn’t care. Let me juggle 10 men. Thank you.

On the other side of the proverbial coin, men do not like it when you reverse the script. When you flip it. Hey Matt, what’s your dick size? Hey John, are you a bad boy? Seriously, they flip out a little. Oh, I’m sorry Tinder Luke, you waited 2.5 days too long to text me. Guess what? Tinder Matt took your place. Seriously boys, take note. I actually have cut and pasted some of your lines into my messages (Thank you Tinder Micheal and Tinder Luke). Hinge John you don’t like when I use your own line against you? It hurts your feelings? Listen, I am no longer looking for love. I need you to have an above average dick size, because it does and always will matter. I also need you to not wait for me to tell you what to do. I need you to pull my hair a bit and put me where you want me. I spend all day of my life being dominant. I need you to man up in bed. I have a primal need for that.

I’m swiping right hard and heavy at this point. I don’t care if they match back. I’m looking for height, brown hair, all teeth and some abs. I decide to permanently share my location with my best friend so he can track my body if it goes missing.

Tinder Matt. I got Matt’s number. Matt texted me and we did the preliminary questionnaire of, “how tall are you and have you been married” yadda yadda. At this point, I’m kind of just wanting to get laid because it has been too long. I’m pretty sexual, but I also struggle with being a “good girl”. I don’t think I want a relationship anymore, but I would like to get laid. Matt comments on my busty chest (I’m a DD) and I’m ok with it because at this is where I am with dating. That gave me the leeway to ask about his dick size, which he says is above average. He proceeds to tell me about a 19 year old he was with and a yoga instructor that was insatiable. I’m not here to compare notes Matt, but I’m going to guess I know a lot more about sex than a 19 year old and I too, am insatiable. We talk about having sex and we agree to meet up. Why not? I am done playing the stupid games that lead up to the actual fucking.

The next day arrives and I end up having to fly to Boston…because that’s my job. It seems Crew Scheduling legit knows when I have plans and then they send a wrecking ball in to do away with them. ALWAYS. I tell Matt this, and he sends me a text that he finds me attractive, but he doesn’t want a FWB, he wants a girlfriend as hard as that is. I give him mad props for his honesty. I promised him free pretzels and an alocholic beverage if I ever see him on a flight (*disclaimer* which of course I will pay for because I’m not profiting from my company ahem).

Tinder Jake. We are still chatting every single day.  He still seems normal.  The meeting up thing is going to be hard because my job… and he works Monday through Friday like everyone else.  I do not, unlike everyone else.

Tinder Alfonso.  I don’t need a mom or a dad, guy.  I had to tell him I’m too busy to date.  Maybe I actually am?  I’m still trying.

So I learned from Tinder Matt that you can’t be straight forward. It doesn’t seem to work. I’m going to have to play the game y’all.  I’m learning way too many lessons I had no interest in learning from trying to date in 2018 y’all. I’m annoyed at this point.


Tinder Profile Fails…

So this is getting depressing. I literally just get on to make fun of people. Here are some examples:

Dave- Dave is self-employed y’all #notemployed. Dave’s profile photo is a faraway, albeit blurry shot of him in his shorty boxer briefs and his black cowboy hat. Dave does have an impressive set of abs, but I can’t see Dave’s face… or if you’re going to post a rodeo photo even the size of Dave’s dick would be nice. Obviously Dave wants something discreet with no strings attached… He then lists his interests. Listen here, Dave, if you want no strings attached then why are we supposed to care about your interests? We would just be here for the dick? I shouldn’t have to even be funny at this point. My best friend’s response when I show her the photo, “Someone needs to call Dave. Call him collect and tell him to knock it the fuck off.” There you have it Dave.  Knock it the fuck off.

Jeff- Jeff’s profile photo is a well placed shot of his dick. It’s from an overhead angle, so already it’s going to be all about the angles. Again, we cannot see Jeff’s face. Jeff what if you have a nice dick but I can’t stand to look at your face? One thing I do like about Jeff is this line, “dominant, you know what it means so stop pretending.” Yes Jeff, I know exactly what that means. Reference my first post. Again he talks about his intelligence. Pick one guys. You’re tying me to the bed post or talking to me?

I need another break until… is that a normal person? Hmmm We shall call him “Michael”. Nice eyes, nice face, great mouth (god his mouth says he can do all things), and all his clothes are on for all 3 of his photos. The man is built like a shit brick house. He’s 16 miles away. He says nothing in his profile, but I also say nothing in mine. I like it! So nervous. I think I will just leave his photo up and just give myself a day to see if I’m ready. Fuck it, I’m just going to swipe right. Oh shit y’all we have a match! I’m going to make him man up and message first. Right now this bitch is tired from it all and it’s past my bedtime.

…to be continued.

#tinderfails #yourereallyunemployed #dickpics